I don’t like forgiving people sir, especially if I love them, they’re a permanent part of my life, and yet they hurt me again and again and again, and I have to forgive them again and again and again. It’s difficult sir, not to mention painful. But I guess that’s the essence of forgiveness, 70×7 right? Times like these, I don’t like being a Christian. You need to confront your pain and submit it to Christ. It hurts, like pouring alcohol on an open wound.
I have this cycle: if I’ve been hurt, word vomit would try to come out, but then self-control would kick in and I’ll swallow my retort (that’s the fruit of the Spirit there working…I hope) and then I’ll just drop whatever I’m doing and walk out, literally walk out of the room to get away from the person (which is actually disrespectful, but I wear my heart on my sleeve, my face is a terrible liar, I’m literally incapable of masking my feelings). I’ll take a long walk or lock myself in a room. I don’t want to see anyone I know. Then I’ll start thinking all sorts of things, re-play what’s been done, wallow in bitterness, and my heart will start to harden..and then tears. After a few hours I still won’t feel better. The Spirit will start to whisper, finally I’ll allow myself to listen, and then I’ll finally decide to forgive which will trigger another round of bawling with my hand on my mouth (so they won’t hear), then I’ll pray audibly because someone once told me that whenever you forgive you speak the words out, there’s power in declaration. So I do that (also the last time I needed to forgive someone, I was crying in the bathroom, the faucet was on, I put my face underwater and blew bubbles. It made me feel a little lighter) But I still won’t feel better, thankfully, I also won’t feel bitter the next time I see the person who wronged me – I think that’s grace right there.
Forgiveness is an everyday thing. It’s a painful lifestyle and it sucks. But it’s also necessary. Un-forgiveness is not just a baggage, it’s a shackle, a prison. An uncleaned wound does not heal right, most of the time it doesn’t heal at all because it’s infected, and what we do is we try to wrap, hide it, and hopefully it will go away. Well it wont. The infection will work its way to our blood stream and eventually to our hearts, making deep and strong roots. Remember: open wound. Un-forgiveness is a poison. Yes it’s easier to harden my heart and be bitter. But I don’t want to be a miserable cat lady with a burden and alone for the rest of my life, distrustful of everyone.
Besides, one of the perks of being a follower of Christ is that grace is available, and is more than sufficient. I only need ask. Also if the person is close to me, I draw strength from the reality that it is the will of God to draw all men to Him, including my love ones (who are hurtful…because they themselves have been hurt, all of us are just fragile broken things, and we all need a Healer…a Savior). I also believe that God sees my tears, and those tears are not wasted.
The relationship is more important so I’ll choose to forgive. My eyes will be puffy in the morning.